it's because it is true. i do sometimes or most of the times because i have to say, i kind of or really sometimes judge a book by its cover. it's because it is inevitable. i notice even the smallest details that i can't possibly just bottle up all those tiny details or else i might explode! hehe. just kidding. i won't explode. i'm not even half fat.
about the second sentence, i do need to do that. because most of the times or maybe a couple of times, i suffer because at those times, i don't even think about my own feelings. because sometimes, i'm too nice which is bad. because of this, there are times when i give the last one i have and end up with nothing.
and the last sentence is super true! i have been facing so many challenges. i am currently challenged to regret nothing and just be happy with what i have now. i guess i feel bitter about one thing. that one thing is something that i always thought that i have moved on from. it's about being admitted at the country's state university.
you see, since i am the eldest, just like the science experiments, i am the experimental variable that is to be tested to see if a theory is correct. this means that if they believe in this, and wonder if it applies to this, i am the one who gets experimented with. (you get it, right. i don't have to elaborate on this) anyway, so since that is always the case, sometimes, it is a good thing that i was first to try so i will be the FIRST to experience it. but most of the times, it is a bad thing because as we all know, when we do trial and error method, there is a very high probability that we will get a wrong answer. that is me. whenever my parents experience something new, because of the advancement that is occurring in our generation, they try whatever it is that they think is the right way on me. which sucks. because most of the times, they get the negative results from me and so to avoid the same mistake, they already know what to do and my younger brother gets the positive results. thing is, there is a review center that can help you to pass the state university's entrance exam. so, since my parents are like: that's too expensive for a review center and the review center itself is far from home and you are a girl. even if you passed, you can't go anyway because it is too far and we can't let you live in a dorm. that's what they said.
and so, in short, i didn't even try to give effort into passing the entrance exam of the state university. because i knew of these things that my parents had to say and i was discouraged... NOT! i didn't have hope anyway. in the first place, i reviewed for entrance exams in my high school itself. and they lack in the topics that have to be reviewed for the exam. and the environment was so lax! didn't have motivation. in the review center, they had quizzes once every meeting. no wonder! tsk. so i am bitter. only when the subject comes up the surface. and i am not afraid to tell my parents face to face that i do regret not being able to pass the state university's entrance exam. because i told them that my friends from high school are offering me to be part of a bundle that has a lower fee but at the same time has the right things to teach for entrance exams. but they refused. told me that it was expensive and the review is far. but remembered clearly that i told them that i was going to the center with a friend who lives nearby. so, i was and still am and will be the trial child :(( as long as i'm still studying and there are still upcoming advancements, i will always be the trial child.
and the sad part is that i am still happy about the fact that my brother was able to pass the state university's entrance exam. i pretend that i am ok and not jealous at my brother. yeah sure. why shouldn't i be happy? i was the one who brought him to the review center and had to wait there for 5 hours until his review is done for the day. why wait for that long? well, i am not familiar with the place, so i don't know how to go about it. but it doesn't matter because he passed! :D and all my waiting was worth it. since i am bitter about that, all i can be happy about is that i am having fun right now in the university that i am going to because of my awesome best friends. another thing that i can be happy about and forget about that bitterness is that my brother just passed that freaking entrance exam! hayzzz... i want to feel what he feels right now because whether i like it or not he has a lot of bragging rights with him right now. he just passed freaking state university where all the graduates don't have to apply for job because those job will have to fight for you.
now, aside from no having an edge since i am not studying in the state university, i still have to put a lot of effort so jobs will fight for me as well. about that, i think my chances of experiencing that is lessened since i will be taking the retention exam this summer. that's right. i screwed up the first semester but i passed; i just wasn't able to reach the minimum grade to have to not take the retention exam. so, yeah.
because of all of this, i am working my butt off! ........ NOT REALLY! well, at least not always. but whenever there is something to be done for school, i always feel like giving it more than my all. and since the tuition fee is more than twice of the state university's, i am obliged to show my parents that i am worth it. that is what i have to put up with since i didn't pass the state university's entrance exam. i have to prove myself. i have to be positive. i have to reach a goal that is SUPER DUPER HIGH! almost impossible to reach is what i say. but there is a probability to reach if i give super duper extra effort.
talk about myself! i guess i am an expert when it comes to myself. i mean, if there is anyone who knows me the best, it's only me and God. even, God knows me more than i know myself. so He knows what i am capable of. and He won't give me any challenge that i can't surpass with flying colors. that is why, i am not losing hope. even when i knew i wasn't going to study in the state university, i had the last drop of hope in me. there was little hope but i still had hope. and i guess part of me was to be blamed. i guess since i had little hope, i didn't give it my all... or did i. all i know is that i answered the exam with everything that i know. so, perhaps, what i know wasn't enough. i still have to learn. that is why i keep an open mind. if i don't, there is no room for improvement and i will not become a better person.
so that's me. feeling bitter here and then when the topic is surfaced. but truthfully, feeling happy and proud of the fact that my brother made it. and i guess that this is all God's plan and indeed, i am learning from the mistake of not having that much hope. also, since God can see that i am giving my effort now, He gave me awesome friends who help me forget about transferring schools or forget about being bitter of that experience.
i am now feeling much better. well, better since the topic is going to be surfaced for the week since my brother passed and the results just came in yesterday. so if ever the bitterness starts to show up, i'll just have to think about the awesome things that i have with my college best friends especially the things that happened starting about 6 and a half hours ago and ended 2 hours later that time.
we stayed for 2 hours in our friend's apartment to celebrate the end of preliminary exams for the semester. we had milk tea from Moon Leaf and there wintermelon with pudding is good. music played in my friend's room and we were singing and dancing and laughing about past experiences which are of course funny to imitate :))) especially the one that i did in the library. that is another story but really, i love my friends. they make my day :D
and oh yeah! i told three of them about this blog's site and maybe they'll read this so, HI FRIENDS! :D
and that is what my name says about me. A LOT! it says so much that it was too accurate. and because it was accurate and precise as well, i was able to reflect about myself and come to accept that this is me and somehow i guess i have to change my down sides and strengthen my up sides, learn from my mistakes and rejoice from the right things i do, and avoid to revenge and regret and remember to always forgive and forget like i always do :D
i'm out! PEACE! :D CONGRATZ TO MY BROTHERHOOD! :DDDD
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